Frankencactus taking over the plant shelves Monster frankencactus


Be careful what you bring home

Three years ago I brought home a fuzzy little cactus plant consisting of curiously folded lobes. If I had only known—

My first mistake was bringing it home in the first place. At the plant nursery I was grievously injured by a slight brush against it, which is how I discovered that the fuzzy little spots are actually clusters of micro-thorns just waiting to embed themselves in human flesh.

My second mistake was transplanting it into a large pot where it could grow. And grow it did. Each year it has sprouted new lobes on the previous year's new lobes, thus growing exponentially in size.

I had placed it in a back corner of the plant shelves, thinking I could just let it be and it would let me be. But the fact is, the [expletive, expletive] thing just kept growing, threatening to take over the whole rack.

Yesterday I decided to take it out and see if I could trim it back or perhaps start a new, smaller version from one of the lobes. That's when it attacked.

To my chagrin, the plant that started out weighing less than a MacDonald's quarter-pounder — including the pot — now weighs a ton. I could barely lift it off the shelf because of its weight, and with lobes wrapped around the posts of the rack it resisted mightily. In the struggle it impregnated my leather gloves with thorns and ravaged my unprotected arm.


Although I won the battle and did manage to evict the Frankencactus from the plant shelves, I'm not sure I've won the war. I really don't know what to do with it. It's too heavy and too vicious to simply put in a trash bag and leave at the curb. I suppose I could dismember it and dispose of it piece by piece, but that means another perilous encounter with the savage beast. Frankly I'm afraid. Very afraid.