Threat of retaliation

My friend Jim reports a rash of retaliatory attacks by appliances that knew they were being replaced. He fears that in replacing some of my kitchen appliances, I may have put myself in danger. Accordingly, I am setting my personal threat-level to yellow (elevated) and will take heed to remain on high alert.

Jim writes:

I must observe that you could be losing your grip on reality... The point is: your Mr. Coffee should not be thrown out so carelessly. I'm only concerned for your safety.

We have had numerous reports in the Greater San Francisco Bay Area of people being scalded in the most viscous of attacks by appliances that knew they were being replaced. Many times an appliance owner has begun to look for others. Thinking they were able to hide their emotions, they continued to use the existing appliance while waiting for the new ones to arrive. THIS IS DANGEROUS.

Appliances have a sixth sense about this kind of thing. They know it's coming. In a survey of new coffee pot buyers, over 70% report being scalded by the appliance they are replacing. Stove tops are even worse! Sure, you can toss aside a Moulinex with little consequence; they are small. But a Mr. Coffee? A Stove Top? No way. I tell you, these creatures will kill if they're given the chance.

I believe the correct process is to slowly begin to use your Mr. Coffee less. Let the new and the old get used to each other - but from opposite sides of the counter! Let the other appliances get used to the new guys. Then put the old Mr. Coffee into the guest room for a few weeks. Let him get used to being out of the kitchen. Let him get comfortable in his new area. Leave the window open a crack so he can get some fresh air. Then, late one night, dress in black, sneak in through the open window and bludgeon the Mr. Coffee apart with a ball peen hammer. Do it quickly, wear gloves, and toss the remains out the window. It should be safe in a few days to toss the whole caboodle in the trash.

For God's sake Paul - be careful.


For the record, watchers at Chez Paul have noticed no unusual behavior from the deposed appliances. So far, so good.

Related story: appliance replacement with abuse

Another case of appliance replacement has come to my attention, this one involving appliance abuse, sure to increase the danger of retaliation. The source, who choses to remain anonymous, describes the incident thusly:

At least [the Chez Paul] appliances were spared the terror I inflicted on my microwave oven this weekend. I wanted to see if the microwave would fit in my kitchen cabinet. After wailing on it for a good 30 minutes, I finally figured out how to break away the door handle bit by bit with the back end of the hammer functioning as a make shift crowbar. The end result was not so pleasing, so the microwave oven had a temporary home on the sidewalk near the corner last night. I didn't see if it found it's way out of such a public spot this morning. The poor thing, I suspected I was going to cast it out soon anyway. I got tired of looking at it's tired old tan and scarred exterior with out the fun and excitement of a new bright light up display.

This is clearly a case of special aggravating circumstances. It would not surprise me if the neighborhood appliances ran amok and acted against this feckless owner with severe prejudice.