Mad as a hatter

mad cow
Cow by brother-in-law Bill. Eyeballs by The Bilious Frog

Elementary, my dear Watson!


I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. But as Sherlock Holmes is reputed to have said, once you eliminate all the other possibilities, whatever is left must be the truth. The explanation for George W Bush's perplexing behavior and delusional speeches is now clear — he's mad. Simply mad.

I didn't want to believe my president was mad. No one does. But when I read that the first case of genuine, made-in-the-USA mad cow disease was found in Texas, I was forced to accept the inevitable conclusion: W's brain has been turned into a sponge by an advanced case of mad cow disease.

Talk about poetic justice!

And since we're on the subject of mad cow disease, how about that Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns telling us that there is absolutely no risk to the food supply and that he will "enjoy a good steak for dinner"?

When the Canadians discovered a case of mad-cow disease in Canada, the US slammed shut the border for the importation of beef and officials wrung their hands with worry. But now that a real US case has been discovered, officials have launched a full-court press to convince other countries that they should continue to eat US beef. Those words are spelled D-O-U-B-L-E S-T-A-N-D-A-R-D and H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-S-Y.

The New York Times jumped into the fray today by calling for a national ID system for every single cow so its whereabouts can always be tracked (see sidebar). Maybe that's a good idea, and maybe it's not. But rest assured: If it can be done for cows, it won't take long for some drone in the Pentagon or Department of Homeland Security to start a program to do it for people. I can practically envision border agents implanting subcutaneous radio transmitters in each person who crossed the border (at a checkpoint) so they can be inventoried and tracked the way Wal-Mart tracks merchandise.

It's a brave new world we live in folks. But remember, it's all "for your security."

The expression "mad as a hatter" owes its origins, according to one source, to the pre-OSHA practice of using mercury in the manufacturing of felt hats.