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Today's top stories

Bush Admits Mistakes
Bush in Rose Garden Saying he was profoundly sorry, President George W Bush today said in a Rose Garden press conference that "mistakes were made" in his first term. The president went on to elaborate that huge tax cuts under his administration were responsible in large part for the ballooning deficit. He added that he regrets having told the American people so many different justifications for the war in Iraq, confessing that the real reason the US went to war was because Vice-President Cheney wanted to. Bush went on to say that he was dropping his proposal for personal Social Security accounts, admitting that they were just a tactic to begin dismantling the system. Laura Bush, who was standing behind the president during his remarks, fainted dead away upon hearing this.

Schindlers Apologize
Schindlers In Pinellas Park, Florida, Robert and Mary Schindler, the parents of Terri Schiavo, who died yesterday, appeared before reporters assembled outside the hospice where their daughter died to say that they were sorry they had allowed themselves to become pawns in the culture war and media circus. Sobbing softly, Mary Schindler said she wished she had spent more time seeking inner peace and reconciliation with her son in law. Robert Schindler, red-eyed and looking haggard, said he regrets having wasted the time of so many courts with appeal after appeal that he knew was futile. Later, they both agreed they had let their understandable grief cloud their judgment and overwhelm common sense.

DeLay Backs Ethics Reform
Tom DeLay Tom DeLay, House Majority Leader, took to the floor of the house early this morning to give an empassioned speech in favor of a bill to radically reform the ethics rules of the House of Representatives. "For too long," DeLay said, "members of the House have been too concerned with their own power at the expense of what's good for the American people." Citing himself as an example, DeLay announced his immediate resignation to return to Texas and resume his career as an exterminator.

Rumsfeld Resigns
Rumsfeld At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that he was stepping down, effective immediately. "I've made an awful mess of things," Rumsfeld said. "It's time for someone — anyone — in the Bush administration to step up and accept responsibility." Rumsfeld said that he would start work on a memoire of his years as Secretary of Defense in two administrations. The working title of his book is So Many Things I Knew That Weren't So.

Lieberman Outs Self As Republican
Joe Lieberman Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT), speaking at a GOP fundraiser, acknowledged that he had become a card-carrying Republican after the defeat of the Gore-Lieberman ticket in 2000 by W, abetted by the Supreme Court. Lieberman announced that he would henceforth openly sit on the Republican side of the Senate and that he would finally get a decent haircut.

Santa Maria Businesses Suffering
Santa Maria courthouse Many business owners in Santa Maria, California, reported that they are losing money after the media's decision to stop fixating on Michael Jackson and move on to stories that are actually important. Police in Santa Maria also complained that they could no longer earn overtime by directing traffic through the thicket of media trucks that used to block the streets around the courthouse.

Boy Scouts Recruit Gay Scout Leaders
Smith of Boy Scouts Following the revelation that Douglas S. Smith, Jr., a former high-ranking Boy Scouts of America official who led a task force to prevent child sex abuse, had been trafficking in child pornography, Boy Scout leaders announced that they had confused perversion with sexual orientation and would immediately launch an aggressive campaign to welcome gay youth into the organization and to encourage gay men of good character to become involved as scout leaders.

Undisclosed Location Disclosed
Cheney After months of investigative reporting, Fox News Channel revealed today that they have located the "undisclosed location" used so frequently by Vice-President Dick Cheney in the days, weeks, and months following 9/11. It seems that Vice had been hiding in the Oval Office at the White House. Whenever photographers were present, Cheney wore a George W mask made for him by make-up artists from one of those Hollywood studios that he hates so much. The real George W Bush was hiding out at his brother's house in Florida, where he spent most days reading children's picture books with Michael Moore.

Crossfire Goes Off the Air — Really
Crossfire Months after the program was cancelled by CNN, the daily shout-fest known as Crossfire actually stopped broadcasting yesterday. Robert Novak and Bay Buchanan are said to be considering volunteer positions with the Democratic National Committee to atone for the bilge they have spouted on the program.

CBS Names Jon Stewart Evening Anchor
Stewart In a move that caught the media world completely by surprise, CBS executives today named Jon Stewart to replace Dan Rather as anchor of the CBS Evening News. "Hey, we've been in third place behind NBC and ABC as long as we can remember," said Andrew Heyward, President of CBS News. "What we've been doing hasn't worked, so it's time to try something different." Walter Cronkite, even though he is not in his grave, is said to have rolled over several times anyway upon hearing of Stewart's appointment.

Nielsen Reports Shift in News Rankings
Nielsen logo A record number of viewers tuned in to Jon Stewart's first newscast as anchor of the CBS Evening News, according to Nielson Media Research, the famous TV ratings company. Stewart's broadcast drew a rating of 32.7, or more than 35 million viewers, including almost all in the coveted demographic of people with IQs greater than 75. The second most popular program, American Idol typically draws a rating of less than 16, and the third ranked program, Desperate Housewives, typically draws a rating between 14 and 15.


April Fool!